Sunday, November 14, 2010

IKF Convention to be held in Belgium

Early this December the International Kumquat Federation will hold its hexannual convention in Antwerp, Belgium. Invited are over 1,200 representatives of kumquat companies, government trade officials, IKF agents and Board members, industry analysts, and many others. They will form into committees on many different issues like Trade Regulation and Fair Treatment of Kumquat Plantation Workers. At the end of the conferences they will vote on whether or not to have another convention to make a new set of rules for the IKF. We asked Solomon H. A. Arkanstonias what he thought was a hot issue this year.
"I think there will be a big dispute over what to do about Djiboutian pirates threatening trade routes from kumquat plantations in Africa and the East to Rotterdam, Helsinki and Montreal. Some propositions include using IKF money to build a small escort fleet, lobbying governments to hunt them down, and simply letting the shipping companies deal with it."
At the convention will be Aroldis Reynie Shapiro who we did a bio on in January. Shapiro, a longtime IKF agent, convinced enough IKF board members last March to pursue the investigation of Philipe Swensington. Suspicion arose rather quickly after Swensington abruptly left his position as Chairman of the Board for Surpassa Fika, and Shapiro accuses him of insider trading and false advertising. Swensington who was the Chair of the Board of Surpassa Fika for 6 years was arrested at his home in Tucson, AZ in March. Swensington's trial date has been set for December 19, 2010 and rumor has it that Swensington will not be hiring a lawyer and will be defending himself. However, records show he did attend law school for two years. Both Mr. Swensington and Mr. Shapiro have declined to comment.

Next Post: An interview with Joe Harbrahcka, owner of the last pure bred Gerard Trees

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Season Preview

As you know, the main kumquat season is just gearing up. Here's the inside scoop on all the major companies.

Ferkington - Ferkington has consistently been the most popular kumquat available despite the death of late owner F. Franzmuten Ferkington. A Ferkington kumquat's outrageously sweet flesh makes very popular juice. In fact Ferkington juice sector enlarged this year when they bought Catan Juices. How we think they'll do this year: While recently they have been plagued by losses, their sales remain strong and an advertising push will drive customers to their low prices.

Saccelberry-Gerard - Saccelberry-Gerards may not win in taste, but these nutrient packed health bombs are constantly recommended for a host of different illnesses. With the health craze, and the recent endorsement by world renowned food writer Wilemena C. Fink, author of Snarf: An Eater's Guide to Health in 58 Simple Steps, their popularity is soaring. How we think they'll do this year: Expect major growth in variety, distribution and profits.

Kilimanjaro -Dormington- In December Kilimanjaro and Dormington agreed to a merger. Although there have been rough stretches of time between board members their advertising campaign has done well and increased their popularity greatly. How we think they'll do this year: They won't beat Saccelberry-Gerard and Ferkington in sales, but kilimanjaro will inch up as a good quality but low priced kumquat.

Tobango - Tobango has long been known for extremely high quality and prices. For this reason, they were hit hard by the recession when people turned away from expensive gourmet kumquats and turned toward the cheaper options like Kilimanjaro-Dormington. How we think they will do: Armed with a new type of kumquat (see May 3), they set out to increase profits. However, Don't be surprised if they stumble.

Surpassa Fika - If any company is down, it's Surpassa Fika. With Philipé Swensington arrested for insider trading and their infamous commercial (Vegan Vinegar Substitute) ruined, their profits are in the dumps. But under new leadership, many see hope. Watch this company for a surprise comeback.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Bladl caught embezzling, Barnstoiler in motorcycle accident

This week's skirmish between Kilimanjaro-Dormington board members ended with chairs flying, coffee mugs banging and the company wondering. Although this was not a fight specifically between board members from Kilimanjaro and ones from Dormington, the company would still like to even out the board which has many more Kilimanjaro members.
Shockingly, Saccelberry-Gerard says they will "move on" without Chief Executive Officer Nathaniel Xackley (Pronounced Zaklee) who was with the company for two and a half years. The company which is currently in a tough stretch addressed the media Friday saying they have other plans without Xackley. Although, they did not speak about the decision coming so suddenly. Also Barry Bo Barnstoiler, VP of Marketing and Research Relations for Saccelberry-Gerard was injured in a motorcycle accident also involving Melgatroid Gurbystout's (See June 1) brother. Both are primarily okay except for Barnstoiler who has a fractured left arm.
Ferkington's President Ervin Bladl recently tried to switch the company from making their best-selling Tangelo-Orangequat juice to producing Guava scented Limequat juice. This was all before Bladl was caught embezzling money earlier this week. We asked Turner Tobiasen, Kumquat enthuiast in Chicken, Alaska about the subject. "I honestly think this unecessary behavior and poor leadership are what is holding up the company right now. Ferkington just needs to rebuild and step up a little bit, but otherwise I think their doing just fine." Ferkington has made low profits recently.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Breaking News

Saccelberry-Gerard will move on without Chief Executive Officer Nathaniel Xackley. This report was recently given to us by the Obie's Kumquats Branch in Toledo, Ohio.

More Next Post:

Friday, August 20, 2010

Contest Winner Chosen!

Congratulations, Nick Tobier! You are the winner of our February 28 Contest! ( Nick's punchline was by far the funniest of the 3 entries and will be sent to Ebeneezer Trouttrucker, the author of the popular book, What's the Difference Between a Fish and a Kumquat?. Thank you to all the contributors. We will try to do another contest soon.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Arkanstonias accepts job offer at Kilimanjaro-Dormington, but only to "certain" terms

Hubit Shpeiper has recently written a book he says will "give us a better understanding of what goes on daily in the kumquat market." Shepiper, 41 a correspondent for Corgi's kumquats book is called "The Sweet and the Sour": The Present Age of the Kumquat business. Shpeiper also says the book mentions trade and deception that go on regularly.
While the Chicken, Alaska Ptarmigans struggle to stay in third place in their division, Solomon H.A Arkanstonias verbally accepted a job offer to be a consultant for Kilimanjaro-Dormington. Although in a private speech earlier the week, Arkanstonias said he would only do it if he had the maximum salary for a contract with four or more years to it.

Next Post: Is Ferkington's shady leadership holding up the company?

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Kilamanjaro-Dormington Advertises Cheerily while Todai Goes Under

Todai recently declared bankruptcy after switching from their commercial selling strategy to a more consumer-oriented, higher quality side. The only problem?
"Their kumquats remained decidedly low quality." said Hubit Shpeiper, correspondent and analyst for Corgi's Kumquats. "It seems that Todai didn't switch kumquats, just marketing strategies."
Meanwhile, Kilimanjaro-Dormington has begun a huge advertising campaign, with ads in the Obie's Kumquat's newsletter, widely watched fruit TV channels, and other press sources. They are very happy, "upbeat" (according to the company), and "obnoxiously sugar-coated" (according to an anonymous parent). The ads are mainly to wash away any association with the Addicting Kumquat Scandal of 1993 (see December 6 As far as we can tell, they seem to be working. But it is too early to really tell how much good it will do.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The Kumquat Tea Party

A very interesting event recently happened in the kumquat world. A certain brand of kumquat found only in Africa which is imported at exorbitant prices has gone to far. A group of angry protesters dressed as West African tribesman who wanted the prices down secretly boarded a cargo plane carrying cases of this brand from Nairobi to San Francisco. Then, when the plane was well into the U. S. they emptied the crates out the side of the plane. Many cases landed in the yards of Bertram Sandstice and his neighbor Melgatroid Gurbystout. We talked to Bertram Sandstice for his feelings.
"We were very glad that we had such good luck. After we had finished off the extras, we went to the store for more. the outrageous price stopped us. I hope the protest has some effect to drive the price down.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Muterstein's Vacation

George Muterstein just arrived back from a vacation in Hawaii with the ownership of a minor league baseball team and a new breed of kumquats. The baseball team is the Chicken, Alaska Ptarmigans. The kumquat is the PaleGrapefruit, which, instead of looking like a miniature orange, looks like a white grapefruit with light yellow skin and dark red flesh. They are very sweet but with flavor, unlike Ferkingtons. Muterstein said that he expected them to sell well and increase Tobango's expected low profits next quarter. We asked Turner Tobiasen, a native of Chicken, what he thought about George Muterstein owning his home team.
"I'm proud he chose our town and team among all the other small town minor league teams. As assistant manager, I'm expecting lots of free samples."
Also, famous doctor Ernest Applesnapper and his team have finally made a breakthrough. They have created a type of kumquat that will cure cancer. However, drugs derived from the plant have not yet been approved by the FDA and will not be available for several years. Even when they do, they will be very expensive. Don't get your hopes up.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Swensington Arrested!

Wednesday morning Police and International Kumquat Federation agents arrested Philipe Swensington at his home in Tuscon. He was arrested on counts of major business fraud in the Kumquat Market and resisting arrest. Swensington was the CEO of Surpassa Fika Kumquats for 6 years and tried to escape authorities in a helicopter off his six-story roof. The fraud that will now be investigated is insider trading and false advertising. Veteran Agent Aroldis Renie Shapiro persuaded the IKF to pursue the investigation.
The Oxford English Dictionary has announced that in the next edition they publish, the word Treeyy, pronounced Tree-ee-ee, which describes a business operating like Treey will be included. Also, Kilamanjaro-Dormington is hiring several new consultants and advisers. Some of the canidates include kumquat genius Solomon H. A. Arkanstonius and Corgi's Kumquats correspondent Hubit Schpeiper.

Next Post: How long will Ferkington continue to dominate the popular kumquat market?

Thursday, April 1, 2010







The Kumquat World is in ruins! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Are Saccelberry-Gerards really better for you than other brands?

Saccelberry-Gerard widely promotes its health benefits. But are these claims legitimate, of are they just a cheap advertising scam? We talked to Llup Goedelevsky , a Professor of Nutrition and Health at Blumpus University.
"These claims, as bogus as they may sound, are for real" she said. "Saccelberry-Gerards have been proven time and again to be a good source of Vitamins A, C, E, and K and help to build a strong immune system and help keep the body over all happy and healthy."
So eat up your kumquats, and you'll grow up to be big and strong.

Sunday, February 28, 2010


If the title "What's the difference between a fish and a kumquat?" was a joke, what would be the punch line? The winning answer will be sent to Ebeneezer Troutrucker. Leave all answees in the Comments section

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Has George Muterstein made a difference at Tobango?

Many eventful happenings in the Kumquat world lately. An archaeologist named Micob Orlandorus has discovered papers he says are the captain's log of the H.M.S Ventriloquist, an 18th century exploring vessel. The interesting thing is that in the journal, the captains mentions Cumquats, which he describes as "a small orange fruit the natives love. It is sour with a sweet, edible skin." Orlandorus thinks they were consumed by the sailors in large quantities to prevent scurvy.
To answer the question posed in our last post we talked to Ebeneezer Troutrucker the author of "What's the difference between a Fish and a Kumquat?" "I think Georgie Muterstein is a heckuva man but his impact on Tobango has been unexpectedly quiet. In my personal opinion Tobango's recent success is not because of Georgie." Troutrucker declined to say more.
Also, Northern Michigan newspapers are questioning that Treey will become lile Stonik in the way that they only sell in their local area.
In other news Aroldis Shapiro has not quite gotten the approval of the IKF board to investigate Philipé Swensington.

Next Post: Are Saccelberry-Gerards really better for you than other brands?

Monday, February 15, 2010

Genetic Modification and Bankruptcy: An Interesting Week

Much news in the Small Citrus World. Earlier this week we heard that Stonik Kumquats LTD will file for bankruptcy this week in front of court. Stonik came back to the major kumquat market this year after stopping the company's actions in 1922 due to a major Yellow-Bellied Marmot attack on their crop. M. Christopher Stonik IIII, the owner of the company, declined to comment in front of the media. We asked Hubit Shpeiper, a correspondent for Corgi's Kumquats, what he thought about Stonik's bankruptcy.
"If Stonik had gone national and reduced their quality vs. quantity ratio, they may have had a chance." Shpeiper also thinks that Stonik's leadership wasn't at it's best.
A company in San Fransisco is growing kumquats indoors. However, the Department of Agriculture has advised people not to eat them due to the "potentially dangerous fertilizers" used in the growing process. Also, the FDA is in the middle of a heated debate about genetic modification in kumquats. Since the technique is so new, nobody knows whether it is safe or not.

Next Post: Has George Muterstein really made a difference at Tobango?

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Ferkington's New Division

Ferkington has eliminated a main competitor and a the same time gained a new division. A dispute with Catan Juice Products Inc. ended with Ferkington threatening to sue for slander and Catan agreeing to a merger with Ferkington. We interviewed Quincent Catan, Founder and president of Catan Juice.
"It wasn't my decision to let ourselves get bought out. But we will continue to produce high quality juices and juice blends like turkey fig juice, poha berry juice, and our specialty, tangelo-papaya blend." Ferkington has released a statement saying that nothing about the juice will change, including the logo.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Who is Aroldis Reynie Shapiro?

Being a Senior Agent for the International Kumquat Federation can be an interesting occupation. Here is the bio of Aroldis Reynie Shapiro, as promised.
Shapiro's parents were interesting people. His mother was a paleontologist named Henrietta Reynolphudolious, later shortened to Reynie. She was often away on digs so Shapiro rarely saw her. His father, Charles Duckey Shapiro was a crazy independent inventor who was always working on new inventions. These included solar powered fax machines and horse manure powered motorcycles. Shapiro Jr. grew up mainly on his own. As a teen, Aroldis Shapiro was quiet and unassuming. Actually, he was secretly a vandal and graffiti artist. But at age 18, Shapiro's life was turned around after his reading of George Muterstein's bestselling book; Moose and the Divine. He then got a scholarship to Columbia University to major in Citrus botany. At age 27 , he decided to become a federal agent. But when he didn't make the cut, he got a job at the IKF and worked through the ranks all the way up to Senior Agent. He is now 50 and has convinced 45% of the IKF board to investigate Philipé Swensington. The investigation would be about possible insider trading.
Some know him as a great agent, others as a grumpy old man. Let's hope the board believes �in the first option.

Next post: Ferkington's New Division

Saturday, January 16, 2010

And a Happy Kumquat New-Year.

    Many questions have arisen throughout the past couple of weeks. Will the IKF be persuaded to investigate Philpé Swentzinsten? Will Todai make a New Year's resolution to become less commercial? Is Ferkington seeing a sudden fall in profits? The New Year brings us a lot questions and quite a bit of news. 
It may seem that Ferkington is in a financial problem but actually, according to Solomon H.A Arkanstonias a Kumquat expert, that's not the case. 
"Despite the appearance that Ferkington is losing money, Saccelberry- Gerard is actually gaining more money than usual. Why? Theories suggest that this is due to the fact that more people have been concerned about their health lately. Making Saccelberry-Gerard the Kumquat to eat. Ferkington is still [legally] making large profits." 
Will Todai become non-commercial? The answer is probably no. This is because with no leadership changes their plan is the same. Stay commercial until their is somewhat less of financial crisis, then it seems unclear if they will take the option to go in a different direction.

Next Post: A full bio of Aroldis Renie Shapiro 

Saturday, January 9, 2010

On Wilderness Conservation

Recently, a Chinese company announced they would be flattening the last remaining wild kumquat trees to make way for houses and other buildings. What has the IKF done about this? When the company first announced this plan the IKF offered them an unknown sum of money, estimated to be several thousand U. S. dollars to stop. The company responded by demanding several times more. The IKF refused and has made no other attempt since.
But don't count the "kumquat forest" out quite yet. A group has been formed just because of this event. They are called WKPA, or the Wild Kumquat Preservation Association. One of the informal leaders of this group, Melvin Vlotnork, told me,
"We are doing all we can." What that is, I don't know. But let's hope it works.